Busy As A Bee

I've always heard that expression: busy as a bee. And I never understood it. Now, I think I finally do. There's a lot going on in my life and it's not all in one place. I'm zipping and darting around from project to project, the way a bee flys from flower to flower. Except my zipping and darting is more mental.

Mental. That actually makes me chuckle. There are times I feel mental. And I know there have been moments where my partner would probably want to have me locked up.

Many of my friends have called or e-mailed, wondering where I am. With some, if they don't hear from me at least once a week, there must be something wrong. Now, even some of my readers have begun to contact me wanting to know when they can expect the next blog entry. I apologize. I'm SO very sorry for the delay in getting it out there. I apologize, too, to all my friends whom I've put on hold. I owe a lot of e-mails and phone calls! But hopefully this will also serve as some sort of explanation.

I have to admit that it hasn't all been fun and games.

Yes, I've been busy at my day job; but I've also been unmotivated. It happens every year around this time. Fort Lauderdale in August . . . well, it just fucking sucks dried shit off dead bodies. And, yeah. That's meant to be as disgusting as it sounds.

In addition to the heat, though, there've been a few issues at work with which I'm none too happy about. I've wondered, why don't I just open my mouth and say something? Why do I put up with this shit? I won't bore you with the details because it could get a little close. The world is pretty small, you know? The internet makes it even smaller still.

The irony is that all of a sudden, a light went off in my mind. That light brilliantly filled my mind by putting the entire thing into perspective and filling my heart with hope. You see, I realized that the things that have been happening at work, though not easy to deal with, were (and are) making me uncomfortable for a reason; motivation.

Yes, as silly as it may sound, I realize that if said issue (person?) was removed from the equation, I would become complacent and I would ultimately wind up doing nothing with the plans I've started or the dreams I've begun to bring to light. My ambitions would go by the wayside and all that time would have been for naught.

So I've had to stay motivated. I've had to stay focused and keep pushing myself towards what I truly want; freedom from having to work for someone else. To make a living at porn; be it behind the camera, in front of the camera or writing it. Or, if it turns out to be something else, so be it. Just so long as I'm doing my own thing and I'm happy and don't have to report to someone else or justify why I'm doing what I'm doing or when I'm doing it. Know what I mean?

I have to admit that the company I've been working for this past 6 years has been good to me. The pay totally sucks and I'm behind on so many bills, paying the barest minimum. But the people are great (except for the one riding my ass) and I can be myself. They let me work in our New York office for 6 weeks while I helped my mom through some health issues. That's important to me.

Some of the lack of motivation I've felt hasn't all been work related, though. It's been cyclical and it was my partner who pointed it out. It seems every year at this time, just before my birthday, I get a little down and hard on myself; and not in a good way. I guess although I'm comfortable with myself, I'm still not happy with my station in life, or the lack of things I've achieved.

And so, with all of that in mind, with close and special friends who died this year, others who are undergoing very serious health problems, the scare with my mom when they said she had breast cancer, I decided to do something about my lack of accomplishments. I've grown tired of complaining and not doing anything about it.

I wanted to see results!

So when I got back from New York, I went into shooting with earnest. I've been writing reviews of gay porn sites for www.bonerguide.com. And now I'm working on my first erotic novel.

The review have been fun and although I only have about 4 under my belt, I'm getting paid for them. That helps me catch up on my balls and put a bit aside for a new computer. But it also helps keep me motivated.

Aside from the reviews, we've been editing our first DVD release, "Stray Dawgz." The first 3 segments are done and we have two more to complete. That should be done over the next week or two and then I'll get the master copy to the distributor, AMVC. I don't know how long it will take from there but the first release for Horndawg Productions will be out soon after.

YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I can hardly contain myself!

One of the things that has made matters difficult for me has been time. If I'm not editing, like Trekkie Monster from Avenue Q, I'm surfing the internet for porn. And there's always been that part of me that's like, "You're wasting time! What the fuck are you doing?"

So I feel bad about wasting time which leads me to escape by surfing the internet for even more porn and it just compounds itself. I wind up not doing what I originally set out to do and the amount of time spent in front of the computer surfing for porn, downloading dirty pictures, chatting in rooms or communicating with the on-line friends I've made on sites such as bnskin, dudesnude, barebackrt, daddyhunt, and sometimes adam4adam, just makes me feel like shit. A big fucking loser.

Then, when I'm not on any of those sites, I'm on Yahoo chat talking dirty to the internet acquaintances I've made or just shooting the breeze.

With the realization that I'm running out of time, I was hitting critical mass point. I've been getting real down and hard on myself. And not in a good way.

Until jmgarcia on Dudes Nude.

This little guy is a hot latin beauty with an upbeat profile and what sounds like such a great personality to match. I couldn't help checking out his pics. Of course, it helped that he looked like I wanted him to be the very fruit of my loins. He's an intelligent young man and the one thing that got to me the most from his profile . . . you'll laugh, but it's true . . . is that at the age of 22, he is publishing his very first book!

Normally, when I read something like that, the green monster of envy rears it's ugly head. But I couldn't help myself this time. I was so pleased and so very happy for him that I sent him a note telling him how excited I was. Surprisingly, I got one back. I say surprising because not many hot, cute 22-year-olds reply so positively, or with nothing more than a "Thanks, pops."

This guy not only took the time to say thanks but was so enamored by the stroke to his ego that he went into a bit of detail! Telling me the name of the book, the release date, as well as how he is publishing it.

His book is called, "Tales of a Harlequin Boy." It is set to be released on 9/15/08 and is published under the name of Jose M Garcia.

I am so pleased and so proud of him. And I don't even know him or want anything from him! Well, okay. Maybe that part's not true. If he gave me a kiss I'd be happy. If he gave me a kiss AND a hug I'd be even happier still. If he game a kiss, a hug and pressed his hard little body up against mine, I'd probably come on the spot!

But I digress.

Seriously, though. As a result of stumbling across him, I started to think that maybe I wasn't exactly wasting as much time as I thought. I mean, I'm probably justifying the amount of time I spend on the internet, but, if I hadn't been surfing as I normally do, I wouldn't have seen his pic. If I hadn't seen his pic I wouldn't have clicked on it. If I hadn't clicked on his, I wouldn't have read his profile. And if I hadn't read his profile, I wouldn't have sent him the e-mail I did.

And I would not have found out about lulu.com.

The seeds of things, hell, the very GERM of thoughts I used to have came back to life quicker than you can say Frederick Frankenstein.

Following the exploration of lulu.com, except for a full work week, I devoted all my time, all of my focus and all of my energy on a project. Including one full, 3-day Labor Day weekend ignoring my partner, I probably spent a week putting together a collection of 7, gay, erotic stories. The book is called "a stroke at midnight," and I am now awaiting the very first copy to peruse and decide if I like the look of it or not. If I like it, then I will let everyone know. I will also post it here so that any of my readers who wish to buy it can simply click on the link and purchase the book.

For any of you out there who wish to be alerted as to when the book will be ready, let me know and I will put you on a mailing list. If you would rather wait, that's fine, too. I'll be posting the link here.

For any of you who are also writers and have wondered about self-publishing, you might want to check out the site: www.lulu.com.

You'll find out all you need to know about self-publishing, how they do it, how much it will cost you, and about P.O.D. (print-on-demand). It's absolutely incredible and I just know the next few months are going to be a whirlwind of activity and exciting new ventures!

Oh, yeah . . . I've also been e-baying the crap out of the CDs I no longer want to keep.

Stay tuned! And as always, thanks for reading.